Trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together again

Trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together again

It becomes a  very  difficult task to try  and look  back  on  ones  life to  try  and  understand   why a certain  set  of  circumstances  have  unfolded  as   they  have.  Not  to mention understanding  what  set  it all in  motion  to  begin  with.  All  we  do  and  all  we  perceive  as  possible  corrective measures in  our life when a slight tweaking is  needed all  comes  from the  same  place.  That  place  deep   within us  where  we  make  the  decisions of  what  is right and  what  is wrong  for our  lives.  That  place where we rationalize the  decisions we  make because  of our view  of  what  our  world  should  or  must  be.  How  many of  us  truly  look  around to  assess  that  world and  verify   if it is indeed  what  we  want  and  not  what  we  have been  programmed  to want  and  expect?

In  my  case I remember a new  position heralded  as  a great thing for  we  were convinced that  our  talent  was    greatly appreciated.  That we  had  been   chosen  for our  talent  and  our aptitude.  Our desire  to truly help others and  make a  difference.  As well as  our  desire to  excel  in  what  we  do.  The  rigors  of  the  position, the responsibilities lain on  our shoulders was a heavy  burden to say the  least.  We  were  told   we  had been  chosen  for a  reason  and  they  were  confident we  would  excel.  The  expectations, the   rhetoric spoon fed us on a daily  basis was  more  than  many  could handle.  Some  folded  before  the  6  weeks  of  training  were   up.  Those  of us  who stayed understood  the  difficulty of  finding a  good  paying  job  and so we  did   what  we had  to do  to  survive and  make it through this as  yet  unidentified  rat’s maze..

The   stress had  taken  it’s  toll.  Most  of us  were  stressed beyond  words and we  all hated the  job with a  passion.  The  more  we  were  exposed  to  what  the  job  truly  entailed  the  more  we  understood that it was all a  lie.  We  were  not there to  make a  difference,  we  were  there  to  fill  seats and meet  quotas.  It  was  never  about  helping the  customer  it  was  about  damage control.  Yet  never  going  beyond  the  petty  arsenal of inconsequential band aids for  proverbial open  wounds  we  had  been  given to  make things  right.  Gift  cards and  bogus  protection agreements  for  appliances   that  did not  function  properly,  or  arrived  damaged 3 out of  4  times.  Technical   service that  never  arrived  or  was  constantly  rescheduled due to lack of  personnel or  overbooked  schedules.  Families  with  small children  or  Elderly with  no  working  refrigerators  and  no   hope of  service  or  repair  for another 3 weeks.  Washers  that  had  been  taken  apart  and wrong   parts  ordered or placed on  back  order.  That  limbo  where  they  cannot  tell you  when  it  will  ship.  They  cannot  tell you  when  it  will be  available and therefore  can  never  tell you  when your  appliance  will be repaired.  This  elusive  manufacturer that  says  the parts  are not  available,  who are  responsible  for making the  part  that  has been  ordered.  However  are  unable to  tell one  when it  will be  available  or if it  will ever  be  available.

To these situations we  were “Management  Empowered” armed with   gift  cards or  product discounts on a  next  purchase  of  course, never  on the  offending  appliance in  question.  Never anything that  would make  sense to the   customers  immediate  problem.  Like   vultures  feeding  off the  reputation the  Company  had  built  for a  very  long  time yet  no longer  possesses.  A reputation  for  standing  behind  everything they  sold.  Honor bound  to their dedication  to the  customer  that  so  loyally stayed  and  continued to do business with   them.  They  had  grown  to  respect and  admire this  company for their  business   ethics.  Not  understanding  that  the  company they  had  once  known.  The   company  their  Parents had been  loyal to  for  so many  years had  been  purchased by a  sub standard company who cared nothing   about Honor, nor their  commitment to their  customers or the  products  they  sold.  Brand  Loyalty  was  the  battle cry on the floor.  The Honorable Company  name  purchased to be  used as a  shield  to  hide their  true  identities.  Like  thieves in the dark always  undercover so as  not to be  discovered.

You  never learn this from the  outside  however,  it  is  something  only  an insider  is  privy to.  The  rotten inner  workings of a  company who’s  sole  purpose is the bottom  line and  those  who help  them achieve  it.  Profit  before people, honor or ethics.  False  empathy  quotas and  requirements  shoved  down  our  throats and  held over  our  heads  on a  daily basis.  All  lies to justify the  web  of lies  already  underway.   We all,  unwitting  accessories  to the  crimes  already  being perpetrated  against  an unsuspecting  public.  The  dread  of the  phones,  the  dread  of more lies,  the  screaming  and   recrimination.   Being  called   the  arm  of  Corporate  Greed.  The  outright accusations  of being a thief and an  enabler. A  facilitator  for  thieves  to get  away  with their  crimes.  When  all one is  trying to  do  is feed ones family and  pay  one’s  bills.  Yes ,  at  a job   we  hated.  Yes,  at  a job that  made  us sick to our  stomachs.  Yes,  at a  job  that made us feel   vile.

We  look   around at the veterans  of  this organization and  can  see  the  lack of  care.  The  cold  hard reality that  they  will  admit  to only a  select  few.  They have reached a  point  where  the  empathy  is that  which  the company  requires  in their   quotas  and they have  learned  to manufacture it so the reviewers will  give  them  adequate numbers so they  can  move on  to the  next call.  Or the  next  better   higher paying  position.  They  would  just as  soon  say  no  to  a  7 month pregnant woman  stressing  because she  has  children in her  home  and  the refrigerator is not  cooling.  She  cannot  keep  milk  for the  babies.  They  must  eat  out because  all their food  has  gone  bad  waiting  for  service.  Or the   Elderly  woman   who has  insulin that needs to  be  refrigerated and  has  no  protection  agreement so is  considered a  cash call and a  nuisance that must  be  dealt with albeit not happily because they are  not  profit  generators.  Both  are  viewed  and treated in the very  same manner.  With  cold  disregard  for their  human  condition.  Without  compassion  for their individual stories.  Both are told they  will have to wait for  service   for  as  long  as it takes  because  that is  how it is.  There  will be  no one  else  available and  no one  will be  paid overtime  to  help  them  with their  problem.

They  do not  count ,  they  do not matter and   are  fed  the   same canned  empathy that  everyone  else  receives. …..” We understand  how   frustrating it  must  be for  you  to have a  refrigerator  that  isn’t  working” ……  “We  understand  how important  a  refrigerator is  in a  household  with  children  or  for  your  medication.   We  understand  and  we  sympathize, however”…………..  The  biggest  joke  being that  we were  expected  to  make  the  customer  feel as if  they  had  been   helped  when  in fact   we  had  done  absolutely   nothing  for their plight.  Being penalized in our  numbers and  rating  when   obviously the   customer  was not happy  with the  outcome,  because there  was  nothing that  could be  done  aside  from  the  gift  card  or  future purchase band aid.  However, it  was  our  job to  sell it  as a  remedy  somehow.  Our  job  to  convince the   customer  that an  answer  was at  hand  for their  troubles  when  none  was  forthcoming.

Day in and  day  out.  Week in and  week  out.  Nothing  changes,  the  stories  are all the same and we continue to  perpetuate  the problem and  the lies for a   paycheck.  We   continue  to  apply  the  measly  band aids  to  open  gaping  sores.   Where  does one  draw  the line  to what  one will  do  for a  paycheck?   Where   does  one’s self respect and self  worth  kick  in  to  say  “Enough”?   Where  does the  human   body and   the  human  psyche put it’s proverbial  foot down and  say ,”I have had  quite enough!”

Does one  snap?   Does  one simply  walk  away?   Does one  continue  to do  what every fiber  of  ones being is  rejecting?

Nightly  fevers that continue  for  weeks.  Progressing to  fevers that  now  affect  me  during  the  day.  Causing  my thinking to  be  unclear.  Causing  me to  not be on the ball  while  performing  my job.  All the  while working  to  make it  better. Using  positive  affirmations.  Changing  the  energy around me  from  negative to positive. Willing  only   good  calls  to  come my way with   customers  who  were   calm  ,  kind  and  understanding.  Having  success and  actually   seeing  in  real  time  the  difference   my  intentions and  positive  affirmations were  making in the  calls  that I  was  receiving.  My  calls became   calmer with   customers  who  were  more  understanding of  the  situation and my inability to  truly  make  a  difference  aside  from  caring  and  trying to help.  Inadequate to say the  least……….

To be  running  fevers and  to  try  and  make management  understand that  I cannot   function  with a  fever.   That I was  no  good  to them that  way  and  I  needed  to rest.  I  understood  I  would not get paid and  that  was   fine.  No one  gets  paid  for  not  working  ( at  least  not those  who really   work  for a living).  I was  stonewalled  and  told that  if I  went  home  for  whatever   reason  I  would be penalized.  That the  best  I  could hope  for  was voluntary  time off to  be issued  perhaps  2  hours  before  the  end of  my  shift  so I  could  go  home  early.  No medical  coverage  for  a  year .  Only   this petty   little  facsimile  of a health coverage that  could be  purchased  temporarily until  coverage kicked in a  year later.

A team  manager  had  recently  had a  sore  throat  and  was   sent  home  for  3 days  to avoid  anyone  else  getting  sick.  So with  my  recent  experience  with  fevers and  penalties for  leaving  early I  could  quite easily come to the conclusion that the health  they  were  concerned  about  was  never  the  Agent on  the  floor.  But  rather  the  management  staff.  They  mattered  and  we  were  just  part  of the  unwashed  masses  that   no one  cared  about.

My psyche  put it’s foot  down…………..

I went  home  with a  fever  of  102 almost  delirious.  The heat  in the  palms  of  my  hands  and  behind  my  eyeballs so intense  it  burned literally.  My  head  was spacey I  was  coherent  and  yet  not.   I  went to bed hoping that  getting  some  rest   would help my  body  to  start  to mend.  For  4 hours I was  delirious  and   yet   curiously   no longer   warm to the  touch.  The fever  had  disappeared and  what  remained  was  truly alarming to me.  There  was  nothing  but  blackness with  flashes of  pictures now and  then.  For the  most  part  nothing  but  blackness and   deep silence.  I  felt  as  I  was  drifting  on a  black  sea of  nothingness.  No sensations  , no  sounds just floating on the  nothingness.  When  finally  I  awoke  from  my  journey to the  abyss there was barely  any  memory.  All that  I  remember  today  has  been  painstakingly analyzed and pieced together from  conversations with  my  children  and  bits  and pieces I remember or  come back to me  at  random

I  find  myself a  stranger  in my  own life.  The life  of the  woman I  was   or  thought  myself to be.  Part  of me  still  lost in that  abyss.  Strange  sensation  to  know  that  one  exists in the  here and  now ,  but  feels  as if   part of one is  very  far  away  on  another  plane of  existence.  I  had  been changed   somehow  and  for  some  purpose completely unknown to me.  What  was  the  purpose?………..   Who was  I   really?……….  How would this  affect the  way I coexist with  others?……….   I  do not   even  feel  as  if  I am  the  same  person.  There  is a  detachment  from  this  body  from  this present  existence  that  had never  been  there.  The life force  and  intensity   has  always  been there  at the  forefront.  A very intricate   part  of  who I  was.  Yet,  here I  was and  none of that  mattered  anymore.  The  only  thing  I  was  sure  of  was that   I was  no longer the  same  person  I was  before.  Not  better  not  worse ,  just  different.  My  compassion  is  still the same. My  need  for  justice  and  fair play also still intact.  What  no  longer  exists in  me  is the need to be  part  of this  world and  the  everyday  mundane.  I can no longer  be  part of the  cruelty and apathy that  becomes  so prevalent in our  day to day  lives.  If  I  cannot be  part  of the   solution  I  will not be  part  of the  problem.

There  resides  within me now a   quiet ,  calm understanding that this is a  world  I have  created  for myself.  The  change in  vibratory  level   that  I wanted  so  badly.  That  I  worked  so  hard  for  has  brought  me  peace.  Not   peace  as  I had  envisioned,  but  peace  nonetheless..  I have  found it  very  difficult  to  bring my  thoughts  out  of  the  far  off  abyss to become  tangible  and  accessible.  It was   very  difficult  for  me  to   formulate  ideas and  actually give  them  enough   fluidity  to actually give  them  life  and  communicate  them  properly.  My  spelling has  suffered  tremendously and the  speed  at  which  I  was  able   to discern has  suffered  a great  deal  as  well.  I  was   quick and very  good  at  expressing  my  thoughts no matter   how complex  they  may  have  been.   I have lost  that  and  am not  sure  if  I  will every  regain what I  had.  It is  as if  I have been  forced to slow  down  so I  could  better  see  what  goes on around  me instead  of  being   3  steps  ahead of the game  as   the  business  world  teaches us  to be.

I  find  myself now  wondering  at the  simplest  of things viewing things  as  if  seeing them  for the very   first  time.  My  journey has  begun in a  very  strange  way.  I  look  for  literature that  can  help  me  understand  what  has  happened to  me  and  I   have  found  nothing.  So my inner  journey  continues trying  to  be  human  again and  connected in  some  way  to  all that  which   surrounds me.  It  is a  strange  new   world for me  in  so many   ways.  Those  who have  sent  your  love  and  your   positive intentions have made a  very   big impact  in this  new  life of  mine.  For  it  has  reinforced  that  which   lives  so  vibrantly  within  me.  Love and  the  connection   we  have  to   one  another.  I  feel that  with  every   fiber  of  my  being.  Thank you all for the  love  you  have  shared  with me.

I  feel  that I  have changed  something  inside  myself and  now  I  must   rediscover  who I  am  and  what  my  place in  this  world  really  is.  I  would have  liked  it to  be a  more  clear   an  concise discovery.  However,  perhaps in my  case  I  recognize  that  logic and  my  analytic  nature needed to  be  bypassed and  so  it has been………….

~ by desertrose on February 28, 2012.

4 Responses to “Trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together again”

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  2. […] George  of euzicasa ,a very  sweet dear man  nominated My  Echos From The Abyss blog  for the Tell Me About Yourself Award.  It was  a blog  I  first established  when  I […]

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