Trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together again
Trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together again
It becomes a very difficult task to try and look back on ones life to try and understand why a certain set of circumstances have unfolded as they have. Not to mention understanding what set it all in motion to begin with. All we do and all we perceive as possible corrective measures in our life when a slight tweaking is needed all comes from the same place. That place deep within us where we make the decisions of what is right and what is wrong for our lives. That place where we rationalize the decisions we make because of our view of what our world should or must be. How many of us truly look around to assess that world and verify if it is indeed what we want and not what we have been programmed to want and expect?
In my case I remember a new position heralded as a great thing for we were convinced that our talent was greatly appreciated. That we had been chosen for our talent and our aptitude. Our desire to truly help others and make a difference. As well as our desire to excel in what we do. The rigors of the position, the responsibilities lain on our shoulders was a heavy burden to say the least. We were told we had been chosen for a reason and they were confident we would excel. The expectations, the rhetoric spoon fed us on a daily basis was more than many could handle. Some folded before the 6 weeks of training were up. Those of us who stayed understood the difficulty of finding a good paying job and so we did what we had to do to survive and make it through this as yet unidentified rat’s maze..
The stress had taken it’s toll. Most of us were stressed beyond words and we all hated the job with a passion. The more we were exposed to what the job truly entailed the more we understood that it was all a lie. We were not there to make a difference, we were there to fill seats and meet quotas. It was never about helping the customer it was about damage control. Yet never going beyond the petty arsenal of inconsequential band aids for proverbial open wounds we had been given to make things right. Gift cards and bogus protection agreements for appliances that did not function properly, or arrived damaged 3 out of 4 times. Technical service that never arrived or was constantly rescheduled due to lack of personnel or overbooked schedules. Families with small children or Elderly with no working refrigerators and no hope of service or repair for another 3 weeks. Washers that had been taken apart and wrong parts ordered or placed on back order. That limbo where they cannot tell you when it will ship. They cannot tell you when it will be available and therefore can never tell you when your appliance will be repaired. This elusive manufacturer that says the parts are not available, who are responsible for making the part that has been ordered. However are unable to tell one when it will be available or if it will ever be available.
To these situations we were “Management Empowered” armed with gift cards or product discounts on a next purchase of course, never on the offending appliance in question. Never anything that would make sense to the customers immediate problem. Like vultures feeding off the reputation the Company had built for a very long time yet no longer possesses. A reputation for standing behind everything they sold. Honor bound to their dedication to the customer that so loyally stayed and continued to do business with them. They had grown to respect and admire this company for their business ethics. Not understanding that the company they had once known. The company their Parents had been loyal to for so many years had been purchased by a sub standard company who cared nothing about Honor, nor their commitment to their customers or the products they sold. Brand Loyalty was the battle cry on the floor. The Honorable Company name purchased to be used as a shield to hide their true identities. Like thieves in the dark always undercover so as not to be discovered.
You never learn this from the outside however, it is something only an insider is privy to. The rotten inner workings of a company who’s sole purpose is the bottom line and those who help them achieve it. Profit before people, honor or ethics. False empathy quotas and requirements shoved down our throats and held over our heads on a daily basis. All lies to justify the web of lies already underway. We all, unwitting accessories to the crimes already being perpetrated against an unsuspecting public. The dread of the phones, the dread of more lies, the screaming and recrimination. Being called the arm of Corporate Greed. The outright accusations of being a thief and an enabler. A facilitator for thieves to get away with their crimes. When all one is trying to do is feed ones family and pay one’s bills. Yes , at a job we hated. Yes, at a job that made us sick to our stomachs. Yes, at a job that made us feel vile.
We look around at the veterans of this organization and can see the lack of care. The cold hard reality that they will admit to only a select few. They have reached a point where the empathy is that which the company requires in their quotas and they have learned to manufacture it so the reviewers will give them adequate numbers so they can move on to the next call. Or the next better higher paying position. They would just as soon say no to a 7 month pregnant woman stressing because she has children in her home and the refrigerator is not cooling. She cannot keep milk for the babies. They must eat out because all their food has gone bad waiting for service. Or the Elderly woman who has insulin that needs to be refrigerated and has no protection agreement so is considered a cash call and a nuisance that must be dealt with albeit not happily because they are not profit generators. Both are viewed and treated in the very same manner. With cold disregard for their human condition. Without compassion for their individual stories. Both are told they will have to wait for service for as long as it takes because that is how it is. There will be no one else available and no one will be paid overtime to help them with their problem.
They do not count , they do not matter and are fed the same canned empathy that everyone else receives. …..” We understand how frustrating it must be for you to have a refrigerator that isn’t working” …… “We understand how important a refrigerator is in a household with children or for your medication. We understand and we sympathize, however”………….. The biggest joke being that we were expected to make the customer feel as if they had been helped when in fact we had done absolutely nothing for their plight. Being penalized in our numbers and rating when obviously the customer was not happy with the outcome, because there was nothing that could be done aside from the gift card or future purchase band aid. However, it was our job to sell it as a remedy somehow. Our job to convince the customer that an answer was at hand for their troubles when none was forthcoming.
Day in and day out. Week in and week out. Nothing changes, the stories are all the same and we continue to perpetuate the problem and the lies for a paycheck. We continue to apply the measly band aids to open gaping sores. Where does one draw the line to what one will do for a paycheck? Where does one’s self respect and self worth kick in to say “Enough”? Where does the human body and the human psyche put it’s proverbial foot down and say ,”I have had quite enough!”
Does one snap? Does one simply walk away? Does one continue to do what every fiber of ones being is rejecting?
Nightly fevers that continue for weeks. Progressing to fevers that now affect me during the day. Causing my thinking to be unclear. Causing me to not be on the ball while performing my job. All the while working to make it better. Using positive affirmations. Changing the energy around me from negative to positive. Willing only good calls to come my way with customers who were calm , kind and understanding. Having success and actually seeing in real time the difference my intentions and positive affirmations were making in the calls that I was receiving. My calls became calmer with customers who were more understanding of the situation and my inability to truly make a difference aside from caring and trying to help. Inadequate to say the least……….
To be running fevers and to try and make management understand that I cannot function with a fever. That I was no good to them that way and I needed to rest. I understood I would not get paid and that was fine. No one gets paid for not working ( at least not those who really work for a living). I was stonewalled and told that if I went home for whatever reason I would be penalized. That the best I could hope for was voluntary time off to be issued perhaps 2 hours before the end of my shift so I could go home early. No medical coverage for a year . Only this petty little facsimile of a health coverage that could be purchased temporarily until coverage kicked in a year later.
A team manager had recently had a sore throat and was sent home for 3 days to avoid anyone else getting sick. So with my recent experience with fevers and penalties for leaving early I could quite easily come to the conclusion that the health they were concerned about was never the Agent on the floor. But rather the management staff. They mattered and we were just part of the unwashed masses that no one cared about.
My psyche put it’s foot down…………..
I went home with a fever of 102 almost delirious. The heat in the palms of my hands and behind my eyeballs so intense it burned literally. My head was spacey I was coherent and yet not. I went to bed hoping that getting some rest would help my body to start to mend. For 4 hours I was delirious and yet curiously no longer warm to the touch. The fever had disappeared and what remained was truly alarming to me. There was nothing but blackness with flashes of pictures now and then. For the most part nothing but blackness and deep silence. I felt as I was drifting on a black sea of nothingness. No sensations , no sounds just floating on the nothingness. When finally I awoke from my journey to the abyss there was barely any memory. All that I remember today has been painstakingly analyzed and pieced together from conversations with my children and bits and pieces I remember or come back to me at random
I find myself a stranger in my own life. The life of the woman I was or thought myself to be. Part of me still lost in that abyss. Strange sensation to know that one exists in the here and now , but feels as if part of one is very far away on another plane of existence. I had been changed somehow and for some purpose completely unknown to me. What was the purpose?……….. Who was I really?………. How would this affect the way I coexist with others?………. I do not even feel as if I am the same person. There is a detachment from this body from this present existence that had never been there. The life force and intensity has always been there at the forefront. A very intricate part of who I was. Yet, here I was and none of that mattered anymore. The only thing I was sure of was that I was no longer the same person I was before. Not better not worse , just different. My compassion is still the same. My need for justice and fair play also still intact. What no longer exists in me is the need to be part of this world and the everyday mundane. I can no longer be part of the cruelty and apathy that becomes so prevalent in our day to day lives. If I cannot be part of the solution I will not be part of the problem.
There resides within me now a quiet , calm understanding that this is a world I have created for myself. The change in vibratory level that I wanted so badly. That I worked so hard for has brought me peace. Not peace as I had envisioned, but peace nonetheless.. I have found it very difficult to bring my thoughts out of the far off abyss to become tangible and accessible. It was very difficult for me to formulate ideas and actually give them enough fluidity to actually give them life and communicate them properly. My spelling has suffered tremendously and the speed at which I was able to discern has suffered a great deal as well. I was quick and very good at expressing my thoughts no matter how complex they may have been. I have lost that and am not sure if I will every regain what I had. It is as if I have been forced to slow down so I could better see what goes on around me instead of being 3 steps ahead of the game as the business world teaches us to be.
I find myself now wondering at the simplest of things viewing things as if seeing them for the very first time. My journey has begun in a very strange way. I look for literature that can help me understand what has happened to me and I have found nothing. So my inner journey continues trying to be human again and connected in some way to all that which surrounds me. It is a strange new world for me in so many ways. Those who have sent your love and your positive intentions have made a very big impact in this new life of mine. For it has reinforced that which lives so vibrantly within me. Love and the connection we have to one another. I feel that with every fiber of my being. Thank you all for the love you have shared with me.
I feel that I have changed something inside myself and now I must rediscover who I am and what my place in this world really is. I would have liked it to be a more clear an concise discovery. However, perhaps in my case I recognize that logic and my analytic nature needed to be bypassed and so it has been………….