Ten years ago, my life was a complete mess.
I was 25 years old, my grandmother was dying, and my Adderall use was quickly becoming an addiction. I was in a world of debt, and losing friends fast. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, the man I loved started cheating on me and my relationship ended in violence.
Up until that point, I’d never had good experiences with dating. My previous relationships had created a yearning for validation that ruled me mentally, physically, and emotionally. They caused me to feel weak, inadequate, and worthless in every aspect of life.
I would constantly attract men who did not appreciate my value because I did not appreciate my own self-worth at the time.
I knew I needed to learn to love myself the way that I wanted someone else to love me. But I didn’t know how.
One night when things were at their worst, I was walking toward my condo and saw a book sitting on a bench. I could feel a distinct energy drawing me toward the text, and I stood frozen when I saw the words “fourth deadly sin” on its cover. When I opened the book, I saw that it was talking about lust. I’m a spiritual person, and I took the text as a sign that I needed to stop putting my relationships before God and myself.
I decided to let go of relationships altogether, and I made a commitment never to date again. I told myself that fulfilling my purpose was far more important than anything I could gain from a romantic partnership. Intimacy was something I thought I would never have again, and I was totally okay with that.
I avoided situations in which I could be hit on — I stopped going out and barely communicated with members of the opposite sex unless they were married or in a serious relationship. I built a wall around myself that was so high that I had no idea how anyone could ever break it down. Intimacy simply wasn’t an option, so my entire life became about working to create a business. I began developing courses for life coaches and eventually started traveling near and far to teach at wellness retreats.